In that sunny evening I was reading Hamlet. Kids were playing around me and birds were singing but Shakespeare’s words had stolen my fascination, so I didn’t notice you at first. I look up and there you were, looking at me with pure curiosity stamped in your beautiful face. Your curly hair was shining like gold; your mouth looked like the devil’s temptation with your lips slightly apart. Your eyes, greener than the grass, locked with mine and you asked:

“May I?”

“Hum… sure” – you sat next to me. I wasn’t mad, just confused. I kept thinking “why is he here?”

“Light reading?” – You said while smiling that ice-melting smile of yours – “It’s such a beautiful day, why aren’t you doing something fun?”

“I like to read, it keeps my mind off things… I don’t feel like doing something fun.”

“I think you should” – suddenly you got up and offered me your hand – “please, would you like to come with me?”

I sighed. It wasn’t like I was doing something very important… besides, I was getting curious too – “what does he want with me?” I took your hand, it was perfectly innocent (who’d have thought someday those hands would be running through my body and make me beg for more?) and we started walking. You asked me all kinds of questions and I gave you the answers. For once we talked instead of fighting and found out we were amazingly alike even though you told me it’s important to try to give a point of view you disagree with, being that the reason we fought so much. You’re much smarter than I’d have given you credit for and funny too, with a sarcastic sense of humor that was a charm to my ears and my mind.

“Why are we here?” – We had finally stopped. Time had flown right past us and the sun was setting. The carnival was starting to glow as the lights were being turned on.

“Don’t just stand there, come.”

“What? No. I don’t have my wallet, I have no money... I should be going home; my mom is waiting for me.”

“That’s okay, you can pay me back. Please… stay. “– You reached for your pocket and drew a fancy cell phone – “Here, take my phone and call your mom. Please?”

“I… I shouldn’t, really…”

“I meant it when I said you should have fun. Since that night I’ve been watching you… you keep it to yourself, even though you love and trust Danielle you don’t share all your burden with her, you’re usually alone and reading. Your eyes seem hollow with a hint of sadness. You intrigue me Sam; you’re not like the other girls who are always chirping here and there. I just had the longest conversation with a girl since … ever and it was with you. You don’t wear makeup or provocative dresses. Please, would you like to go to the carnival with me?”

I was speechless. “He has been watching me? He, a popular guy that has all the girls after him, has been watching me?!”

“Why?” – It was all I could say

“Just because I’m sort of a ‘social butterfly’ it doesn’t mean that’s who I really am. Sometimes I wish I could leave the spotlight and stay hidden in the backstage, like you. It’s tiresome. I felt compelled to get to know you. You know what? I’m glad I followed my compulsion because you are interesting, smart, witty, beautiful…” – You said all that in a torrent of words and stopped when you realized what you were saying. A light pink color was visible in your cheeks that were illuminated by the carnival’s lights.

“Oh. Okay, I’ll stay. Thank you for letting me call my mom” – I grabbed the phone and called her. I’m glad I did because it was the perfect excuse to hide my smile. - “She said it’s okay as long as I’m back by midnight” – I told Richard when I handed him the phone.

“Sure Cinderella. Well, I don’t know about you but I’m starving!”

“Ahaha me too, actually. Hot dogs or decent food?”

“Hot dogs it is!”

The circus was stationed by the river, so we once we had our hot dogs we sat in the riverside. We ate in silence, I guess we were really hungry, my hot dog swimming in mayo and yours dripping with ketchup. Our full stomachs felt so good we let ourselves stay there for a bit longer until you suddenly got up.

“Well, you’re Cinderella so we have to make most of it until the clock strikes twelve. Shall we?”

Like a gentleman you helped me get up and offered me your arm, and when I was able to see your face again I noticed you had some ketchup in the corner of your lips.

“Oh you have some ketchup there” – I licked my thumb (I was already so comfortable with you, how was it possible?) and started cleaning it. You didn’t flinch; just smiled… right then I knew I wanted to kiss you, badly. It was like my brain was telling me that I was being silly, that I would get hurt but all my others senses were telling my brain to shut up. You weren’t smiling, not anymore; instead you were looking at me like I was a cold drink and you a thirsty man. We were both leaning in, slowly, but something stopped me.

“Ahm… all clean”- I smiled apologetically – “so… hum… where to mister?”

You looked like you just woke up from a trance, maybe a dream, and started shaking your head.

“Come, I want to show you my manly skills” – you said with the biggest, naughtiest smile in your face.

I laughed at that but couldn’t help smiling when you handed me the biggest, fluffiest teddy bear in the booth. I did have fun that day, and when I got home I wasn’t feeling like myself. No, I was this beautiful girl who had fun with a boy.

Oh, those days are over, my love. I’m writing my memories to make sure you were real… Yes, you were and still are real as the teddy bear keeps reminding me with the accusatory looks. Dust falls all over him as a reminder of how long I haven’t been with you, of the past that will never be the future again. I can’t let myself remember how it feels to be touched by you, but I’m afraid I’ll forget it… only your death would be more painful than this! Oh, Richard, you’re my air and I need to breathe! If only I could…

“Who is she?” – I asked Louis.

“I don’t know, so go over there and find out” – He answered while pulling me towards you – “just talk to her, dumbass!”

You were sitting at a table in the corner, looking soft and far away, stirring your drink (was it your favorite? I don’t remember). Your usually black curly hair was straight, falling down your back, making you look like a dark-haired angel. You were wearing makeup – a soft line in your eyes that made them look intense and a light pink color in your lips – and a simple black dress. I just stood there, waiting for you to look up (it took you forever to look up), but when you did you said:

“Hi, Richard. Do you need anything?”

You knew my name; it surprised me to no end. “I’m so sorry but am I supposed to know you? I don’t remember you face…”

“Yes, you are. We have literature together and always have different opinions, which is why we end up having those heated debates. You are very stubborn but so am I. Now please leave, I’m waiting for someone”

“It’s you? Wow, Sam, you look…”

“Yeah, whatever. Now go!”

“Hum… I’ve been here for an hour and a half and you were already here before I arrived, so it seems your “someone” isn’t coming!”

You turned away your face with an expression of hurt pride, and I realized how mean I had been for poking your freshly made wound. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

“Yeah, well, hell is full of people who didn’t mean to do something yet they did it anyway. Now leave me be!”

I left you alone, and spent the rest of the night thinking about you. I hated making you feel like that, which was weird because I don’t usually care so much about someone I barely know.

The place was closing and there you were, stirring the same drink. Slowly you got up and started walking home. It was late so I followed you to make sure you got home safe (once you told me you knew I was there, watching over you. You said “Thank you, my love, thank you for being my guardian angel.”).

I can’t stop writing, thinking!, about you… I scream your name in my sleep, and sigh it in my dreams. You have camped in my heart and in my mind. I can’t forget you because you’re my other half, and yet we deny each other the feel of being whole. Why? Oh, Sam… my love, my life, I miss you!

We were walking and talking and suddenly you held my hand. I liked it, it feel good and right and perfect. I felt safe. We held hands most of the way because then you let it go to put your arm around my hip. I didn’t complain; I liked being so close to you and it felt good since I was freezing. Using the cold as an excuse, I got even closer to you and I noticed that soft and naughty smile you made. Finally we got to your place, as soon we got there you turned on the fireplace and I was able to feel my toes again. I didn’t see you coming, being busy warming up my hands, but there you were, right next to me, with two cups of warm cocoa. It burned my tongue but it felt wonderful. You laughed because of my satisfied sigh and then you said I had a chocolate mustache, which was fine by me because you kissed me. ( I believe the excuse was “You’re too beautiful to have a mustache”. Ah, you always were such an adorable liar.) Once you kissed me I couldn’t let go of you… As we took our clothes off our feet lead us to your room, leaving a trail just like a trail of breadcrumbs. You were driving me crazy as you took your time feeling, kissing, licking… A good crazy though, as my moans must have told you. Then it was my turn to push you into your bed and make you beg for more, to tease you like you teased me. You loved me slowly, the way you like it, the way I liked it too because it was you who made love to me. When we finished everything was quiet, and I could hear the rain outside…

“Alex! Alex!” - And just like that my little bubble of happiness burst and I had to face reality: I was not lying with you in your bed; instead, I was on a bus on my way home and Danielle was trying to get my attention because the next stop was mine. – “You where thinking about Richard, weren’t you?”

“No. I’m not supposed to be thinking about him, am I? So no, I wasn’t.” – I lied. I hated lying to her, but I knew she’d start asking the same old questions and I wanted to pretend a bit more we were still together. – “I’m just tired, I’m sorry…”

“That’s okay sweetie… See ya tomorrow” – I could tell she knew I was lying and that it hurt her feelings but she knows me well enough not to push it.

I got out of the bus and walked home. While I was walking it started to rain, so the rain drops washed way my tears…

I dreamt about you again. We were lying, our legs intertwined (I never mentioned this but I’ve always loved your flushed face and your mussed hair…). I pretended to be asleep so that you could softly draw circles in my chest with your finger. You were so happy, so content to be on top of me and your warm breath sounded so satisfied I didn’t want to upset your deserved peace by opening my eyes. Suddenly you whispered ever so quietly “I wanna stay like this forever. I wanna stay with you forever.”, and the sadness in that whisper nearly broke my heart. It almost made me open my eyes because the urge to hold you and ask why you were so sad was itching in my very soul (you knew something was going to happen, didn’t you? You should have said something to me, oh you should have told me.)

Finally you fell asleep and I was able to hold you like I needed to do. I longed to touch every inch of your silky skin once more. All I wished to do was to make you forget that nonsense about not being with me forever. I waited for you to wake up but I actually fell asleep. When I woke up you were gone.

I still wonder why you left if you were as happy as you said you were, if you were as happy as I was. You could have stayed with me; you could have run with me to anywhere. Ah, but you chose to give up, to give up everything even though it was a choice both you and I had to make, not you and you alone.

Remember those happy days when we used to love each other? I do. I miss those all those times we held hands and told embarrassing stories by the fire. Yes, I’m with Her now but she’s not you. You may think otherwise but I can see the raw pain in your eyes when you forget to avoid me and Her and we run into each other. It kills me knowing I hurt you, knowing she’s a poor substitute for you and she doesn’t deserve this; most of all, knowing I can’t pull you into my arms and kiss you senseless.

How I miss smelling your lemon scented hair!

Love me, like you used to. I miss your calloused hands running all over my body, and I miss feeling your body close to mine. I miss the warmth of your arms, the feel of your powerful shoulders underneath my hands (sometimes being scraped by my fingernails) and the soft words you whispered in my hear. You used to love me with such a rough tenderness, in the good old days… How I crave the way you used to make me tremble and how it hurts me neither saying nor hearing “I love you”!

I can still sense you whenever you’re near and I can feel your eyes on me. It makes me shiver with such a bittersweet pleasure that my knees get weak and I almost fall to the ground. Even though you look at me from afar I can tell, and I know, you also miss me. That I, too, was a drug to you. And this is where our addiction got us…

You’re with Her now. You touch Her, not me. And, yet, you look at me with such longing that all I want to do is run to your arms and never, ever let go. We both know I can’t do that; I mustn’t do that; I shouldn’t do that. Please, stop looking at me so that I won’t ask you to love me like we used to love each other.